


Let the Monster Rise

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [19]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Steve Rogers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism Spectrum, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Canon-Typical Violence, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Frustration, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Implied/Referenced Cannibalism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Non-Sexual Age Play, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, STEVE ROGERS IS TRYING HIS BEST, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Feels, Violence, all the feels, violence against punching bags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24048160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: "What? What is it, Buck?" Steve almost huffed, but caught himself. His boyfriend was obviously scared aboutsomething.Bucky flinched."Nevermind..." He mumbled, keeping his head down as he scurried away like a frightened mouse.What did he do wrong?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 12
Kudos: 123





	Let the Monster Rise

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place before the main story, within the first year or two of the Winter System living in the Avengers tower.
> 
> This story is a hybrid of two ideas: the aftermath of [Dog Teeth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23405446) and 'Five Times Steve Rogers Got It Wrong (and One Time He Got It Right)'.
> 
> This story features misunderstandings and unintentional ableism due to not understanding a disorder, as well as referenced past abuse and death/cannibalism.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.
> 
> Title is from the song 'Let the Monster Rise' from REPO: The Genetic Opera.

"Daddy?" Bucky mumbled, his voice far too high for his age and appearance.

"What?" Steve turned around, catching the sight of Bucky, shoulders hunched in on himself and head tucked to his chest.

Bucky froze up.

"What? What is it, Buck?" Steve almost huffed, but caught himself. His boyfriend was obviously scared about _something_.

Bucky flinched.

"Nevermind..." He mumbled, keeping his head down as he scurried away like a frightened mouse.

What did he do wrong?

Steve paced around the living room of their apartment, listening to the quiet whispers that were leaking from the bathroom. He didn't know what to do, so he called Sam for help. Sam _always_ knew what to do.

Thankfully, the other man happened to be in the area, and was able to make his way over to the tower, where he promptly found Bucky hiding in the bathroom.

"You've gotta be more gentle with him, man." Sam chided him after walking out of the bathroom about an hour after he had arrived. Bucky was in there crying his eyes out like a toddler after a spanking, and Steve was suddenly reminded that he probably _felt_ like a toddler after a spanking from the way he had talked to him, according to Sam.

"How was I supposed to know he felt like that?" Steve huffed, frustrated with his own shortcomings.

"The high pitched voice didn't tip you off? You've gotta listen out for them, man." Sam rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Steve could feel his frustration rising in his chest.

It used to be so _easy_ talking to Bucky. He _always_ knew how he felt before. He could just _look_ at him and tell _exactly_ how he felt. They had a _connection_.

Then Pierce, that _bastard_ , twisted him into whatever this sick game was, leaving Steve to try and put his best friend back together without the instruction manual.

He hated seeing his love so _broken_.

"So what was wrong?" He asked after a beat.

"He got a splinter in his thumb, I got it out." Sam explained, sitting down on the couch next to him.

"He got that upset over a _splinter?_ " He gave an incredulous look.

"No, he got that upset after-" They were interrupted by the bathroom door opening, followed by Bucky walking straight to his bedroom, not looking at either of them.

The two of them sighed, sitting on the couch for a while as Steve tried to calm himself down. He was so happy when Bucky was found, when they were able to bring him home after the trial. He thought they would go right back to the way things were, that the therapists would fix him and all of the weird not-Bucky behaviors would go away, letting Steve have the life with Bucky that he always wanted.

It seemed that life did not want that for him, however. The not-Bucky behaviors just kept happening, and the SHIELD therapists even gave it a fun little label to add to the list of ways that James Buchanan Barnes was a broken shell of his former self all thanks to Steven Grant Rogers leaving him to die in the Alps.

" **Fuck!** " That was the Soldier's voice.

Steve looked to Sam, who was looking to him.

They both stood from the couch, making a B-line for Bucky's bedroom.

"You okay, Big guy?" Sam began, already taking the lead. It was for the best, as Steve often didn't know the _half_ of what was going on in his best friend's brain.

"I didn't do it." the Soldier was immediately on the defensive, hiding his flesh hand behind himself. Steve was immediately on red alert, terrified that Bucky had hurt himself again.

" _What did you do._ " Steve didn't mean to sound so aggressive, but he was _terrified_. The Soldier flinched.

The Winter Soldier _flinched_. Because of _him_.

The Soldier's eyes went from bright and fearful to glazed over and _numb_. Steve felt _awful_.

Steve watched with anticipated horror as the Soldier slowly obeyed, presenting his flesh hand.

Which has the smallest sliver of a cut near the base of his thumb.

"All that for-" He was cut off by Sam, who shot him the same kind of look his Ma used to shoot him when he started trying to fight the neighborhood bully Jim from down the block.

"Steve, I can handle this." Sam's voice was low, stern, before he turned back to the Soldier, taking his flesh hand into his. "Can you tell me what happened, big guy?" His voice was much softer and kinder, yet still had an underlying sense of stern authority.

"I-" The Soldier almost began, before glancing nervously at Steve. Sam's eyes followed his.

"Hey, Steve, can you get me some gauze?" _Gauze?!_ He didn't need gauze for a cut like _that!_ It wasn't even _bleeding!_ Bucky wouldn't even bother to _notice_ a cut that small!

"...Sure." Steve sighed, walking out of the room to give them their privacy. He knew he had messed up enough already.

He walked to the bathroom to gather the gauze- which he still felt wasn't needed in this situation- before walking back towards the room. He could hear the two of them talking.

"It was _Winnie_. He was-" The Soldier sounded distressed, like a child about to be punished for a schoolyard crime they didn't commit.

"I know, I know, it's not your fault," Sam's voice was deeply reassuring, even to him. "It's _no one's_ fault, it was just an accident. We'll get it all patched up."

He walked back into the room, holding out his free hand.

"Give me your hand, Soldier." He tried his best to sound how Sam sounded, to say what Sam said, to do what Sam did.

The Soldier flinched again.

What was he doing wrong?!

"Steve," Sam put a hand on his shoulder, taking the gauze from him. "I've got this under control, you can stand down."

Steve felt like he was being talked down to by a drill sergeant. He tried to breathe out the frustrated anger in his chest before nodding his head walking back out to the couch.

What did he do so _wrong?_

After another hour of being left alone on the couch, Sam walked out of the room with Bucky- sorry, 'the Soldier'- in tow.

He and Sam decided it would be a good idea to take 'the Soldier' with them to do some basic training, the way they normally brought Bucky along.

The fool he was to think this would be _anywhere close_ to the same.

It started out fine enough, with the three of them running laps around the gym room and taking turns on the various strength training equipment. Steve figured that they would be able to get through this without incident.

Boy, was he wrong.

'The Soldier' decided to take up pummeling away at the punching bag. No big deal, right? The leather bags were able to take a beating from them thanks to the fabric being woven with some kind of Stark-Tech reinforced thread.

Steve stood on the opposite side of the bag, using his strength to keep the bag in place as 'the Soldier' slammed his fists into the bag, his footing loosening with each intense impact. It was all going just fine.

Until one particularly hard punch knocked him off his feet, which allowed another punch from 'the Soldier' to send the bag flying.

Steve and Sam watched as 'the Soldier' lunged at the bag, pinning the item to the grown before ripping into the fabric with his teeth. The fabric tore apart with a loud ' _rii **ip**_ , the sand pouring from the wound as the Soldier tore into his victim.

Steve thought of the files. Thought of the pictures. Thought of the icy stare of the Winter Soldier's eyes piercing through the film, a bloody, disembodied arm hanging from his jaws. The way the light from the camera flash made his eyes glow red.

Steve's blood ran cold.

_He and Sam were in danger._

"Bucky, stop! Stop!" Steve barked. 'The Soldier' continued its vicious attack against the helpless bag, tearing at the fabric like a rabid animal. Steve didn't even feel Sam's hand land on his shoulder in an attempt to pull him back.

"Cut it out! **Stop!** " Steve barked louder, finally gripping him by the back of the neck to finally make him stop this awful behavior.

The other's body froze in his hand.

"Steve what the _fuck_ , dude?!" Sam barked back, shoving him away before kneeling down to the now trembling Soldier's level.

"You saw what he was doing! He could've killed someone!" Steve argued, gesturing to the shredded remains of the punching bag.

"He was doing just _fine_! I _let_ him do that when we come down here!" Sam huffed, rubbing circles into the Soldier's back like he wasn't just pulling off the world's most impressive Jeffrey Dahmer-Rabid Raccoon hybrid impression.

"why would you let him do _that_?! Are you _trying_ to feed into his cannibalism program?!" Steve was at his breaking point. He was terrified of what Hydra had turned his best friend into. He could hear Bucky's pathetic, whimpering, gravelly 'Winter Soldier' voice blubbering into Sam's chest, those weapons of teeth and metal so close to the other's vital organs. He saw red.

Why wasn't _he_ the one taking care of _his_ best friend? Why was Sam so okay with this broken mess of-

"Steve. Out. Now." Sam's voice actually scared him for the very first time. He even saw the Soldier tense at the other man's stern order.

Steve growled in frustration before storming out of the gym, letting the door slam behind him.

He would pay Tony for the dent his fist left in the wall outside of the gym.

Maybe he could blame that on Captain America the way Bucky blamed his problems on the Winter Soldier or his other 'personalities' or whatever the doctors called it.

Steve didn't know where else to go, so he just stepped into the waiting elevator.

"I just," Steve sighed, rubbing his forehead in frustration. "I'm not mad at _Bucky_. I'm mad at what Pierce turned him into. This sick _joke._ "

Steve had found himself in Natasha's apartment. After he woke up from the ice, she was the only person he could really trust. Then he found out that the Winter Soldier shot straight through her, and then he found out that same Winter Soldier was his first love and best friend.

Except he wasn't? According to Sam and the SHIELD therapists, they were somehow two completely separate people in one body, along with two other completely separate people that acted like _children_.

_It made no fucking sense._

After all this time, he still turned to her for advice.

"Do you think that's fair to him?" Natasha didn't even look at him, perched on the back of the couch in her apartment across from him, sharpening a few knives that were resting on the coffee table.

"Nat, this is _Bucky_. I let him die and I let them _destroy_ him. I just," Steve growled, letting his hands fall against his knees. "I don't like Sam feeding into this."

"Feeding into what? Letting Bucky feel comfortable?" Natasha's eyes met his, shooting him an accusing glare.

"But Bucky wouldn't _want_ this! He wouldn't _want_ to act like a child or try to _eat people!_ " Steve barked, which he would admit was completely uncalled for.

"Well that Bucky isn't here anymore, Rogers." Natasha spat back, completely done with his shit. "And right now, you're actively harming the Bucky you have left through your own pig-headed arrogance."

"But-"

"I'm not done." Natasha held her hand up, setting her newly sharpened knife down before locking eyes with him. "You love Bucky, right?"

Steve nodded.

"And you love Sam, right?"

Steve nodded.

"And you would do _anything_ to keep them happy and safe, right?"

"Nat, this-"

"Steve, you _really_ need to work on not interrupting people." Natasha huffed before continuing. "So do you think it's fair to Bucky, who developed a trauma-based mental disorder from over six _decades_ of torture, to try and hide away the last few things that make him feel comfortable, all because it makes _you_ uncomfortable?"

"Nat, you didn't see him tear into that bag. He could've _killed_ someone."

"But he _didn't_. Soldier actively found a way to direct his pent up aggression and frustrations on something that he _knew_ was safe to do so on. Are you saying that the times I caught you beating the shit out of a punching bag in the middle of the night are any different? Or when I spend my time throwing knives at the wall when the memories just get _too much?_ " She crossed her arms, leaning back against the wall above the couch.

He didn't know how to respond to that.

"He may not be the Bucky you grew up with, he may have things that are dangerous or scary now, he may be even more of a responsibility than a mutual friend now," Her posture shifted, and he suddenly felt a lot less attacked. "But at the core of it all, Bucky is still Bucky, the way you're still Steve. All they want is your unconditional love and support. You can either step away and leave them for Sam to deal with, or you can step up to the plate and love them all, no matter what form they take or how they express themselves. They're allowed to freely be themselves here, and you aren't going to change that by trying to scare them away."

Steve felt like the world's biggest jerk.

"...I'll go talk to them." He sighed, standing up from his spot. "Thanks, Nat."

"Happy to help." She continued to sharpen her knives as he stepped into the elevator.

He spent his time on the ride thinking of exactly _what_ he would say to them.

He sighed when he found himself in front of Bucky's bedroom door.

"Buck? Sam? Can we talk?" Steve knocked on the closed bedroom door. He felt awful for how he treated Bucky, even if he didn't _mean_ to hurt him. Or the other parts of him, for that matter.

After a few moments and some quiet shuffling, the door opened.

"He's gone, if that makes you happy." Bucky glared at him, and Steve felt his heart crumple in his chest.

"No, that's-" He sighed. "I just want to talk."

"What's there to talk about? You don't like Soldier, you don't like Jamesy, you don't like Winnie. You wont be bothered by them anymore. I'm all you've got to deal with now," Bucky all but growled, arms crossed across his chest. "Just your single-brained, lowly invalid."

"Buck, you aren't an invalid." He huffed, trying so hard to make this right.

"It doesn't matter. You hate them, you hate dealing with them, you hate the monster controlling your best friend's body." Bucky spat back. Steve shuttered at the bitter hatred in his voice.

"I never said that! I'm sorry I keep messing up with them! I'm sorry I don't understand! And I'm sorry I hurt all of you because I was so caught up in trying to fix everything and just make everything go back to the way it used to be when we were kids. I'm _sorry_!" He was pleading for forgiveness that he would never deserve.

"It doesn't matter. I'm not going to be a burden to you anymore. You don't deserve it."

"But that's not fair to them! You aren't a burden!" Steve took in a deep breath to calm himself before continuing. "I may not really know the right things to say, Buck, but they're all part of you. I just want you back in my life, no matter what form you take. And if that means having the extra addition of a few more family members, then I'm willing to learn how to care for them. If you and Sam are willing to show me the ropes."

Bucky stared at his chest for a few moments. That, Steve remembered, was always pure and simple Bucky.

"...Promise you aren't mad?" Bucky's eyes were wet with tears.

"I _promise_ I'm not mad. I was never mad at _any_ of you. I was just..." He sighed. "I was just scared. I didn't want anyone getting hurt." Steve explained. "I wish I could take back everything I did that hurt them. I love you so much, _all_ of you."

Bucky sighed, opening the door a little more to let him in. Sam was sitting on the bed, smiling at him. He smiled back as he walked into the room.

He was doing good.

———

"Ow!" Jamesy yelped, pulling his hand away from his mouth. Steve was automatically on high alert.

His little boy was busy brushing his teeth before bed, and had accidentally grazed his knuckle with one of his canine teeth.

His knuckle was bleeding.

"Jamesy? You okay?" He poked his head through the doorway, immediately concerned for his safety.

"Yeah..." He sighed, rinsing his hand off in the sink.

Truth be told, he wasn't fine. Steve could see it in his dejected stare.

_"I don't understand," Steve grumbled, glaring at the doctor across from him and Bucky, who was currently fidgeting nervously while sitting on a medical table. Bucky always hated doctors after what Hydra did to him, Steve could see how uncomfortable he was. "Why can't you just unscrew them out?"_

_"It's not that simple, Captain Rogers." The doctor tried to explain, pointing to an X-Ray for the upteenth time that day. The negative color film showed bones and teeth, with bright white squares and circles of plates and screws scattered throughout. "Similar to his scapulothoracic prosthetic base implants, Hydra installed dental base implants into Mr. Barnes' mandible. Removing the implants from the base would result in degradation of the-"_

_"English, doctor." Steve huffed. He wanted straight answers as to why the State-Of-The-Art SHIELD doctors couldn't take the weaponized implants out of his best man's mouth._

_"If we take the teeth implants out," The doctor restated, clearly annoyed with Steve's insistence and ignorance. "Mr. Barnes' jaw bone will disintegrate. Even with reconstructive surgery, he will have no bottom jaw and lose most of his top jaw and facial bones. And that's the_ best _case-scenario."_

_He went pale, imagining his life-long friend, who had already suffered through so much, having to suffer even more by losing the lower half of his face through no fault of his own._

_"I'd rather not be able to give a blow job for the rest of my life than not have my face, Steve." Bucky huffed, already stressed to hell and back by just being in that room._

_"Then why can't we just, I dunno, file them down?" Steve rubbed his hand over his face, trying to think of_ anything _that would sooth his friend's suffering._

 _"The implants are made from the same material as Barnes' prosthetic arm, though coated with a hard enamel to appear more like natural teeth," The doctor began, pointing once again to the X-Ray. "Not only would 'filing them down' be ineffective, the vibrations would also disrupt the base implant and shatter his skull. The best case-scenario for that is immediate death. Worst case-scenario is an underlying infection that would kill Mr. Barnes slowly over the course of a month, at_ least _."_

_"Steve. I'm not dying over some stupid sharp teeth. Just drop it." Bucky's agitation reached it's boiling point as he shoved himself off of the medical table, storming out of the room in a huff._

_Steve rested his face in his hands, so very drained from this encounter._

_"Hydra really didn't want what they added onto him taken out, it seems..." The doctor mumbled to no one in particular. Steve let out a shaky sigh before looking back up to her._

_"So what_ can _I do?" Steve was desperate for a way to help. To fix this._

_"Just like his prosthetic arm, the only thing you can do is help Mr. Barnes be more comfortable and take precautions to avoid injury to himself." The Doctor explained. "They are part of him now, and the best thing to do is try to be patient and understand what he is going through."_

Steve sighed as he watched the poor, suffering little boy in front of him dry off his hand, which still had a rather unpleasant looking cut across the first knuckle.

"Here, lamb, here." Steve mumbled, stepping into the bathroom and digging through the medicine cabinet. He managed to find the box of 'Poke-ee-mon' themed bandages in the cabinet behind his own antidepressants and Sam's other medicine bottles. They all came back from war with their own issues.

He dug through the small package, finding a few varieties of bandages that were small enough for the cut. He turned to Jamesy, holding out the five different wrapped bandages.

"Which one would you like, lamb?" He asked, keeping his tired voice as light as possible in the current emotional state he was in.

"Uhm, th' Psyduck one, pl'ees." Jamesy mumbled, still focused on the cut on his knuckle, which wasn't even bleeding anymore.

He had zero idea which colorful drawn creatures printed on the bandages was a 'Psy-Duck', but one of them was yellow and had a tan bill that sort of _looked_ like a duck, so he figured it must be _that_ one. He ripped the wrapping open and pulled the bandage out, squirting a drop of antiseptic ointment onto the padding before gently pressing it down onto his little boy's hand, smoothing it down with his fingers, and pressing a soft kiss to where the cut was hiding underneath the bandage.

Jamesy smiled up at him, and he couldn't help but smile back. Seeing his little boy smile filled his chest with so much warmth and pride.

"Thank'y'u, Daddy." Jamesy hummed, walking out of the bathroom and to the dresser drawer on the other side of the room. Steve followed close behind, helping him to decide between the Dinosaur pajamas or the My Little Pony pajamas.

He was still learning, and he still got things wrong sometimes, but every time he got something right was a massive victory for their little family.

**Author's Note:**

> **References:**
> 
> The photograph of the Winter Soldier with a disembodied arm in his mouth mentioned is a reference to [Counting Bodies Like Sheep: Chapter 3: Test Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24187918/chapters/58269568), also known as 'The Gomez Incident'.
> 
> [Pokemon](https://www.pokemon.com/us/) is a popular video game and anime franchise based around colorful creatures with magical powers that battle and help one another. The mentioned Pokemon-themed bandages can be found [here](https://www.amazon.com/Band-Aid-Brand-Adhesive-Bandages-Pokemon/dp/B07BDP3J41). The Pokemon character 'Psyduck' can be found [here](https://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Psyduck_\(Pok%C3%A9mon\)).
> 
> The mentions of cannibalism will be referenced in later stories within this series.
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> Steve, after finding his best friend Bucky Barnes in hiding and being allowed to let him live with him in the Avengers Tower, is struggling to come to terms with the fact that Bucky is not the same person he used to be, and now lives with a disorder that causes him to dissociate and now have alternate mindsets within his head, or 'alters'.
> 
> Steve loves Bucky, and does not wish any harm to befall him. He is only confused by the change in behavior and does not understand the way the disorder works. Steve is the kind of person who wants to fix everything, to make everything go back to normal. But as he learns, just like the other additions to Bucky that Hydra added, they cannot be removed or 'fixed'. 
> 
> Bucky and the Winter System do not need to be fixed, because they are not broken. Requiring special care and support does not render one broken or a burden, which Steve recognizes by the end of the story.
> 
> By the end of the story, Steve has learned to not see his friend as a broken shell of his former self, but instead as his best friend and first love, just a little different, they way he too was a little different when he came out of the ice. Learning how to traverse a loved ones disabilities and disorders can be difficult, with many hiccups and bumps in the road along the way, but is an important endeavor to take in order to treat loved ones with the care, respect, and support they deserve. Steve is willing to make those changes and learn to be there for his friend, no matter what form he takes.
> 
> Any behaviors related to DID or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency within this story are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explanation for either DID systems or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
